In my case, I had a visual memory of where I was abused. These fragmented memories can feel like flashbacks or images on a movie screen that pop into consciousness at random. A trauma victim may only have access to fragmented pieces of the experience. It’s also common for people not to remember events that take place right before or right after the trauma occurs. In cases of big-T trauma, dissociating during an incident means the memory of it can be “forgotten” for decades only to be revealed through a trigger or when someone becomes safe enough to recall the memory. This is known as dissociation and is a common trauma response. The brain disconnects from the present moment. In the case of someone who cannot fight or flee, they become frozen. The brain has a number of ways to deal with traumatic events, including trying to help you forget about them. She held me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said, “You are not alone in this.” How was it that we had never shared about what was likely a major contributor to our addictions? Why was it so buried? Why in the most intimate recovery rooms did no one speak about sexual abuse? It was as if we’d tucked away the story in a box labeled “We Don’t Go There.” When I started to share my story with close friends in my sober recovery groups, they responded with, “Me too.” I was blown away by the fact that so many women in sobriety had trauma stories. ![]() Recovery was the only path I was willing to take. And now that the door had been opened, I could no longer hide (even though part of me desperately wanted to). I was absolutely sure that I had been abused. And as much as I wanted to believe that it wasn’t true, I’d never had such a strong sense of knowing in my life. I wasn’t aware of exactly what happened or who abused me. She asked, “Are there any new memories surfacing for you?” While I had recalled the memory into my consciousness, I hadn’t recovered all the details. On the call, I lay in my bed paralyzed by fear. “You have recovered a dissociated memory,” she explained.ĭays later, I scheduled another phone session with my therapist. The relief wore off fast though, and the moment I got home, I crawled under the covers and called my therapist. This is why I’m terrified of true vulnerable connection. She replied, “Gabby, I always suspected.” For a moment, I felt a sense of relief. “Elisa, I remembered being sexually abused as a child,” I said. ![]() Then I grabbed my phone to call my friend Elisa, who worked and specialized in trauma and addiction. Overwhelmed, I rushed into a clothing store a few doors over and straight into a dressing room. I walked out of the lobby and into the crowded New York City streets. She held me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said, “I will call you as soon as I’m out of session. This was one of those moments when my therapist had to break the physical boundary between patient and provider. We had only a few more minutes left in our session. ![]() The sounds in the room became so loud that I couldn’t focus. The memory that I was running from: childhood sexual abuse. An exiled memory that had impacted every area of my life. Then she said words that would change me forever: “The way you’re describing your feelings sounds like there may be a history of sexual abuse.” I screamed as I leaped off the sofa. Then out of nowhere, I said, “Even when I’m intimate.” I told her that for my entire life, I’d had a sense that I was being taken advantage of. And for the first time in more than a decade of therapy, I started to talk about feelings I’d never shared. We’d discovered that I was more likely to open up when I wasn’t looking at her. I was lying on the sofa in my therapist’s office staring up at the ceiling. Content warning: This story contains details about sexual assault and abuse.
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